Tuesday, March 20, 2007
duhduh-datingdom
well, my foray into dating ceased today, as i have said countless times before. it's no secret that i have issues when it comes to dating; kids, bad past relationships, traumatic past events, self-esteem issues etc etc. however, i am the kind of person who seems to be introspective enough to identify some of my own disruptive psychological behaviors or tendencies. i tend to be pretty open about them to m partners as well, but it really bothers me when other people don't even recognize or admit to the fact that they too have faulty behaviors. usually when i run across something i find insane about myself, i'm usually the first to think i'm emotionally retarded. occasionally i need the help of others, even though i might not particularly like what results from these discussions. i've always really been able to pick and choose what i try to tell to my friends. i always try not to villify whomever i might be discussing, for this reason and this reason alone, i'm with WWE. much as i think i probably do need some kind of therapy to resolve some of my issues without turning my friends into makeshift therapists, i just don't have the means to go about it right now. i just hate the idea of the 'typecast'. you know, when your therapist goes, "oh yeah, classic case of... fill dysfunction in the blank". that's why i hate listening to psychological radio shows like dr. drew, it's constantly, "what was your realtionship like with your father?" "well, that explains EVERYTHING!" argh, that drives me nuts, as if there is no other facet for how women deal with relationships other than how much their dads hugged them as a child, and let's not forget that every single female out there has had some sexual trauma, even if they don't own up to it. i always find talking to strangers much more liberating anyways.
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4 comments:
Let's color some self-affirmations cards.
i hate to break it to you, but there hasn't been any sexual trauma in my past - unless you count the creepy old man who forced me to give him a hug when i was 15. but it was in a pretty public place, i was fulled clothed, and i'm pretty sure he was incapable of showing his excitement without the assistance of a little blue pill. so, i escaped relatively unscathed.
that's not to say i haven't got my share of problems. and sadly many of them stem from the way my dad treated me as a child. i believe his response to the above encounter was something like "get used to it. that's how men are." which while it may be true, was not really what i was looking to hear from my dad. maybe something like "who the hell is he? i'll go break his skull." that would have worked ok for me.
and as much as i dislike dr. drew and his condescension, i pretty much agree with his method of getting at a problem when faced with less than 5 minutes to make an impact on a troubled individual. except, i have boiled it all down to one important question "who hurt you as a child?" because it might have been mom, too. laugh all you want. i have found it to be a pretty accurate compass for assessing current problems. the struggle, however, is to get past that revelation.
so what? dad was a douche? what are you going to do about it now? that's the part where i've gotten stuck.
i'm also at the point where i'm pretty sure i should go back to a counselor, but i haven't figured out the insurance and i'm stressed to think about the money. and frankly, it can be scary to consider cracking open the hurt parts that we spend so much time patching over and hiding from the world in order to get by.
wanna take bets on which one of us caves first? :)
yeah its annoying about the dad thing but holy crap its right on the money sooo much, whether you like to admit it or not. otherwise, you can go to KC Free for free. I worked there for a year a few years back. recommended for those on no budget.
As someone who's been "cracked open," I have to say it's all totally worth it. Turns out the work of hiding it all is much harder to deal with than the actual trauma sometimes. It's nice to be able to stop torturing yourself.
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